It’s 9:15am and there’s a little voice inside my head that repeats over and over, “this isn’t right”- the voice of guilt.
My kids have a half-day at school and my youngest has a play date till 3pm (don’t think I’ll EVER get used to the word “play date”). I know damn well he’ll be taken care of but there’s always the what-if scenario I’ve discussed in a prior blog. What-if the mother can’t pick him up from school and I need to get him?
Before I quit my job in the city eight years ago, my wife called me in a panic. I was in Times Square shopping for a gift and she was going to rush my son to emergency because he couldn’t breathe. I ran for the train from Penn Station to my home and arrived 1 ½ hours later- he was maybe one year old. It was one of those pivotal turning points. What-if there was another emergency? I needed to be closer. I was sickened by my new job after they cut both my salary and health benefits after a merger, to the point it wasn’t worth the commute any more. What would you do?
Last night, I watched the “The Deadliest Catch” where one of my favorite captains Phil Harris learned of his son’s addiction to prescription pills. Phil was lucky to survive a blood clot that passed through his heart and was prescribed numerous medications, which included painkillers. Despite the issue, he returned to his boat, the Cornelia Marie, to fight not just for his business- but all his men. Last week, he went to get some pain medication and found his son stealing them. They had harsh words- but the argument was smoothed over after the truth was told. The son told his father he was an “Addict”. At the end of this episode, in safe harbor, Captain Phil was found face down in his cabin; he’d suffered a stroke.
Phil Harris, a man respected in the fleet, was one of the beloved captains who have been there since the beginning. Rumor had it he died this season. We know Phil was no angel- he had his share of trouble- but he was a responsible father. He brought in money doing what he did best and was able to teach that while his sons grew to fishing on the cold Bering Sea. He’ll be sorely missed.
No one holds the reigns of guilt, worse than the driver. Every person deals as best they can with their issues- parents and children suffer from them; we all do. I saw as a young man how it was manipulated to get things done to the benefit of those initiating it. I distanced myself from it, and hid it well. There is a toll it takes both mentally and physically- especially as you age- there will always be something, but as a parent it’s a whole different matter.
When I went from a full-time working father to a part-time father/creative/mother & job worker I felt the children to be my responsibility. I adapted well, but I have personal issues I’ll always have. I freely admit, I’m my own worse critic and imply a harsh criticism to my own self-enjoyment. My “Best Bar Wednesday Blog Series” was an exercise to expose me to different environments and pressure me to write regularly. I thought I’d enjoy it and I do (apart from the regular money spending) for the solitary time, the conversation, and the ambiance. Perhaps I’ve become selfish; perhaps I’m not as good a father as I could be.
Some parents toss their children to the side and ignore them completely. I was lucky to never have felt that pain. I was born into a very loving family. There are so many out there that lack a childhood where touch was involved. They say statistically that every child should be touched lovingly by their parents constantly- a pat on the head, a kiss, a gentle push- and a genuine emotional bond will be formed in their early years. The lack of such, traumatically affects them.
Guilt is a powerful thing when used without abuse. It’ll allow a young man or woman to make a clear discussion between right and wrong. Early moments profoundly affect our lives, but understanding and communication of it are the first and foremost tool for acceptance. Compassion is necessary and leads to a good basis for critical decision making- the broader the understanding, the more compassion- the more logical the decision- the ability to channel it correctly- the better.
I heard this morning a song by Crowded House- “Weather with You”.(see here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIb6I8gtgtw ) We all search for solutions. Sometimes there aren’t any, but the better you know yourself; the better you can handle hard times and weather the storms. We reflect on times with such voice, it brings a comfort to others who feel the same. Music comes from the soul and every sense we maintain can be found there. Never forget its power.
Steve
Did I say my train rides were supposed to be about bars?? Let me leave that till tomorrow when I discuss my adventures at Molly’s, the Oak Room, and NYC. On deck next week- Old Town Bar & Restaurant & Onieal’s Grand Street Bar OR a side trip to Coney Island with musician Jefferson Thomas.